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nyxelestiaTitle: Primogeniture
Summary: Merlin is happy to dedicate his life and soul to Arthur when he comes to Camelot, even though he knows the dragon is wrong, and Arthur will never be king. How can he be, when he is the second son?
Rating: R
Word Count: 5900
Pairings/Character: Arthur/Merlin, OMC
Warnings/Content: mentions of violence, character death, posted in a sleep-deprived state
Beta: none
Notes: Posting to fill in the weekend as I'm not updating another fic of mine this week.
~*~
Master Post
<< Previous Chapter
Primogeniture, Chapter 09: Small Comforts
Arthur looked up from his desk with a smile when Merlin came in, which fell when he noticed Merlin's shaken appearance.
"Merlin?" he asked.
"Hm?" his head snapped up from where he had been focusing an inordinate amount of concentration on Arthur's lunch platter.
Pushing himself up from the desk, Arthur gestured for Merlin to set down the plate, and once he did, he pulled Merlin close, wrapping his arms around Merlin.
"What's wrong?" he asked softly.
"...you know that bounty hunter? Halig?"
Arthur nodded, already knowing where this was going.
"I saw his...his...I saw the Druid girl. She's terrified, Arthur, she's so damn scared, and she's being locked in a cage and being treated like an animal and...and..."
It was rare Arthur found himself comforting Merlin - it was normally the other way around - but he pulled Merlin close as he started crying, and pressed his lips against Merlin's temples. "I'll see what I can do."
~*~
They had only just sat down for lunch, however, when Morgana barged in, eyes looking almost crazed as she strode towards them - towards Merlin - and Gwen closed the door behind her.
"We're going to rescue her," Morgana said without preamble, firm stubbornness in her voice as she grasped Merlin's hands in her own.
She didn't need any words. Merlin's jaw was set, determined, and Arthur shared a look with Guinevere.
They both knew that there was no persuading Merlin and Morgana away from this - and they all knew this would be incredibly dangerous.
He hoped they would know what they were doing.
Morgana and Merlin had that slightly dazed look which Arthur knew meant they were talking in each other's minds, and he wondered whether it was plans or reassurances that passed between them. Maybe both.
Arthur had seen the Druid girl himself, glimpsed her briefly when the bounty hunter brought her in.
All he could think was that one day, that could be Morgana, or Merlin.
~*~
Arthur had wanted to come to help the Druid girl, but Merlin and Morgana both protested vehemently.
"She's already seen you, she already knows you're a knight and a prince," Morgana said.
"So?" Arthur asked.
"This is Camelot, and she's magic," Merlin said. "Short of Madog and Uther, you're the person she'll be the most terrified of in his entire kingdom."
There had been silence in his chambers after, as Merlin's eyes widened in a regretful way, and despite Gwen's warm hand on his shoulder, Arthur asked of them, "Is that how you feel about me?"
"No, obviously," Merlin said, pointing to where Arthur's armor was cleaning itself.
"No, I mean..." He paused, then looked for Morgana for an answer on this one. "Before you told me."
"Yes," she said honestly, face blank but firm. "The Pendragon family is the most hated and feared by those of magic. As far as everyone else in concerned, you kill those with magic."
Arthur shut his eyes. He knew the danger all of them were in thanks to their magic, and he knew what others thought of him - but to hear Merlin and Morgana were once afraid of him - him, broken and un-frightening in the least - was like a knife to the heart. He loved his father and his brother, but to see them do this to the people he loved was almost ripping him apart.
One day, he would have to choose his loyalties. And the thought of that day ever coming terrified him.
~*~
He was probably supposed to go to sleep, but he couldn't, opting to pace back and forth around his rooms, instead. He spent hours like this, either trying futilely to sleep or haunting the floor of his chambers like a ghost, waiting for Merlin and Morgana and Gwen, ears out for the sounds of guards being called, of the warning bell ringing, of anything signifying their hurt, their failure, his failure to protect them.
He heard nothing.
Late into the night, he was sitting at his desk trying to at least be productive when Merlin slipped into the room.
"You should have slept," he admonished, shaking his head. "We're all fine, and the girl - her name is Freya - is fine, too. We're hiding her in the grainery tunnels under the city."
"What do you plan to do?"
"Wait a few days for all the fuss to die down once she's discovered missing, and then get her out of here, and to the Druids," Merlin said, tugging on Arthur's wrist and pulling him to the bed. "Did you really stay up all night?"
"Couldn't sleep," Arthur said as he climbed into bed, then pulled Merlin with him. "Too worried about you three. Gwen's the only competent one among you."
Merlin smiled, rolling his eyes, as he tucked himself into Arthur's chest, before frowning. "We brought her some food and bedding, but I still feel bad about us sleeping here and her sleeping down there. We almost had her stay with Gwen, but...Uther'll search everywhere, even Gwen's - maybe even especially Gwen's, after Morgana and the Druid boy."
Arthur nodded, his chin moving against Merlin's head, and pulled him close.
"She'll be fine," Arthur said. "You'll see."
~*~
Except sometimes, he underestimated Father's passionate hatred for magic. And even Madog's.
(It was in these moments Arthur felt the worst - who was he betraying more, Father and Madog for Merlin and Morgana's magic? Or Merlin, and Morgana, and even Gwen, for still living happily with his father and his brother, openly supporting them?
He was the worst kind of traitor, the one who had no place to stand on and turned his back on everyone, except Arthur kept trying to face them all, and soon he would be torn apart, shredded, facing no one and turning his back on no one, and maybe that wouldn't be so bad, after all.)
~*~
Arthur quickly saw far, far less of the two than he would have liked. Morgana and Merlin spent all their free time with the girl, Freya, leaving him and Gwen to fend for themselves.
"She needs someone," Merlin said, curled up against Arthur two nights after the break out. "Morgana and I have each other, but she has no one."
"Morgana and you have me and Gwen," he had said, trying his hardest not to snap.
"I mean someone who understands," Merlin said. "Someone who knows what it's like to have this...this...this darkness inside of you, this powerful force you know nothing about but that you still have to control...what it's like to wonder if you're a monster."
"You're not a monster," Arthur said immediately, pulling Merlin close. Merlin just laughed humorlessly, Arthur feeling each dark chuckle against his body with the movement of Merlin's chest.
"That's what I mean, Arthur," Merlin said. "It's hard to believe when coming from someone who doesn't have magic...who doesn't know the feeling of what it's like to not be a monster but know you're only one step away."
"Merlin, you're-"
"-later, Arthur," Merlin said, pressing a fleeting kiss to Arthur's collarbone. "Later."
Arthur frowned, but, sighing, he nodded, his chin moving against the top of Merlin's head.
"Good night, Merlin."
"Good night."
~*~
There was little Arthur could do to help the three sorcerers. Mostly, he did his best to keep the search parties away from the general area of where they said they'd hidden her. For several days, this was all he did, relegated to helping Halig search for his bounty while Father and Madog focused on matters of state.
Arthur was being left behind by Father and Madog, and by Merlin and Morgana. Even Gwen usually joined them to help Freya when she wasn't doing her own chores and covering for Merlin's.
It was only a few days and a bit pathetic at at that, but Arthur hated how much, and how quickly, the others were drifting away, how Merlin barely spoke to him or touched him at night...the look he saw in Merlin's eyes. It wasn't hard to piece together that Merlin felt something...something strong for the girl.
And then he heard his and Morgana's argument.
"We can leave Camelot, Merlin! We can be free of all this fear and hatred surrounding us!"
"And Arthur? And Gwen?"
"They will have each other until we can come back."
"Do you really want to leave them to Madog and Uther's mercies? It would be...I can't, Morgana, I won't leave him behind! It would butcher him for me to leave."
"And what about you? How much longer do you think you can last like this?"
Merlin never answered.
Arthur didn't miss the packed bag sitting quietly in the corner of Merlin's room. It even had his spellbook in it. He shakily pulled it out of Merlin's bag in Merlin's room, and started flicking his way through its pages. He'd seen it only once or twice since learning of Merlin's magic, and never looked inside its pages.
Page after page after page of powerful, immeasurable, illegal knowledge. Spells for drying clothes and washing floors were tucked in between spells for killing fairies and slaying magical beasts. Spells for healing a stab wound right next to ones for causing them. Spells for bringing life to a plant and spells for taking that life away. (Spells to do the same for people, for human beings). Amongst the writings of old and the words of generations before were Merlin's scribbles, making small notes here and there. How one spell affected another, complemented another, how to change a spell, for the better (for the worse)...
This was how Merlin found him later that afternoon.
~*~
"Arthur, I can..."
Arthur didn't look up from the spellbook in his lap as he sat on Merlin's bed. Merlin stood nervously in the doorway. Finally, he took a single step forward towards Arthur.
"You're going to leave me," Arthur said flatly, before shutting his eyes against the tears welling up in them. "You promised me, Merlin, you-! You-"
"I don't even know if I'm leaving at all," Merlin pleaded. "A-and even if I do - I'll come back. I won't leave you forever!"
"You promised you wouldn't leave me at all!" Arthur shouted, opening his eyes to turn his pain and anguish on Merlin. "What am I supposed to do without you, Merlin?! I can't - you promised damnit, you promised, you promised, you promised you promised you promisedyoupromised-"
Arthur didn't know how he had descended into such incoherent babbling in the space of a few words, but he did, curling in on himself and wrapping his arms around himself, shaking with the force of his suppressed sobs. He moved only to jerk violently away when he felt a soft touch on his shoulder.
He turned to glare at Merlin, who, hurt, back away, hands up placatingly.
"Get away from me!" he snapped, throwing the book down on the bed and standing in fury, fast enough to make Merlin jump back several steps. "Don't ever touch me again!"
"Arthur, no!" Merlin cried out in shock. "Please, I - I won't leave, all right? I won't-"
"Why bother staying," he sneered, gesturing toward the pack. "When you clearly don't want to?"
"I do," Merlin said. "I-"
"You were going to leave me!" Arthur shouted.
"Only to help Freya, then I would be right back-"
"Right back?!" he shouted hysterically, pointing towards all of Merlin's clothes and precious belongings in the pack, his spellbook, everything. "That's not 'right back', Merlin, that's 'maybe I'll come back someday'. That's 'maybe I'll never come back at all'! Don't you dare lie to me now, Merlin!"
"When have I ever-"
"You spent the entire first year we knew each other lying to me," Arthur hissed, narrowing his eyes. "It's barely been three seasons that you have shared the truth with me."
"Arthur..." Merlin said, shaking his head. "Please, I - I never meant to leave permanently. I packed everything because we've been getting so close to being discovered, I - I needed to be able to grab it and run if we were discovered. I don't want to leave you, Arthur. And I never will, not truly, no more than when you leave Camelot to go on a long patrol or when Morgana leaves for her father's grave or, or - do you really think I would truly abandon you now, Arthur?!" Merlin asked.
"...for Freya?" Arthur said quietly, turning to look again to the bag. "For another girl like you, who understands 'this monster' inside you?" He turned to Merlin. "I've seen the look in your eyes when you talk about her, Merlin - you feel strongly for her."
Merlin swallowed and opened and closed his mouth several times, before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes. I do."
Arthur shut his eyes as the tears built up again. He knew it, he would always be second best, always, he would never be-
"But not nearly as much as what I feel for you."
He opened his eyes and turned to Merlin.
"...do you..." Do you mean it? But that was the bind - he wouldn't be able to trust what Merlin said, not any more.
Instead, he shook his head.
"Just...go. Enjoy your life with Freya," he snapped.
"Arthur-" Merlin grabbed his shoulder, trying to pull him back.
But Arthur had been trained to kill from birth, and as such Merlin was gasping a moment later as he found himself pressed up against the wall, arm being twisted up his back by a furious and tortured Arthur.
"Don't. Touch. Me," he said, before letting go, and practically running out of the physician's chambers, and only barely managing to make it back to his room fast enough without running into anyone.
Once there, Arthur collapsed into his bed, body tense and heart shattered.
Merlin promised.
~*~
Arthur didn't know how, but somehow he managed to collect himself enough to attend the council meetings during the day, and later, to work with Halig to capture 'the Druid girl'.
He eyed the spot on the map of the citadel where he knew she was hidden. His hand hovered above it as he planned the patrol routes for her to be found. His finger was ready to press down there, condemn her, to-
He pointed to a spot nearby, which would keep the soldiers away from her while giving the appearance of a good scouring through the area.
Arthur wasn't going to be able to keep Merlin, anyway. He might as well let Merlin have his happy ending.
~*~
"Arthur!"
Arthur's head snapped up when he heard the door to his chambers opening, and a moment later, Gwen rushed in, eyes red, door slamming shut behind her as she ran into his arms.
"Gwen," he pleaded, taking in her distressed countenance, puffy red eyes, the hints of wet and salt still on her cheeks. "What's wrong?"
"It's Morgana," she gasped, clutching onto his arms. "She's leaving with Freya!"
Arthur felt his heart shut down. Everyone was leaving him.
"So she's leaving too?" he asked.
Gwen frowned. "'Too'?" she asked, confused, before suddenly her eyes widened in horrified shock. "Merlin- Merlin is leaving as well?"
Arthur sighed and nodded. Gwen cried out in grief and launched herself against Arthur, who wrapped his arms around her and held her as she cried for the loss of their friends.
It was oddly nice, to hold her like this. Despite the tears soaking through his shoulder and despite the the weariness in his muscles from training, it was oddly comforting to comfort someone else.
He wondered if that was the real reason why Merlin stuck around with him for so long.
Then he stopped thinking about Merlin, and instead, he rested his chin on Gwen's head and focused on comforting her. He held her, rubbing her back and stroking her arms until she finally calmed down and cried her eyes dry. When she seemed to have calmed down enough, he gently led her over to the bed, sitting her down, before pouring and handing her a goblet of water.
"Thank you," she said, taking a sip, before shaking her head and suddenly setting it aside, standing and saying, "No, this is- I'm a maidservant, I'm-"
"-A friend," Arthur said for her, gently pushing down on her shoulders so she sat down again, and placing the cup back in her hands. She smiled up at him gratefully and drained half the goblet, before sitting there and holding it, staring down into it as if it would hold all the answers she sought from the world.
(It didn't. Arthur knew - he has tried many, many times to seek answers from the depths of a goblet. He never got them.)
"I don't understand," she said, finally. "Why are they leaving us? Why - why are they leaving us behind? I know Camelot is dangerous but...oh, I know why they want to leave, but...they have stayed so long, and- and- why now?" She looked pleadingly towards Arthur. "Why are they leaving us behind when they had been willing to stay with us for so long before?"
Arthur sighed. "I don't...I wish I knew Gwen, I really did, but I don't know." He swallowed. "I know they were in constant danger, but...they seemed happy despite that. I never knew how much they...how much they truly feared..." He shook his head. "I don't know...I thought it was just that I wasn't good enough for them anymore, but if they're leaving you too-"
"Oh, Arthur," Gwen said, setting down the cup and standing up to him him. Arthur leaned into her embrace. "You're always good enough for all of us and more. That can't be it. That has nothing to do with it, I'm sure of it. I know them and I know you well enough enough - this isn't it."
But you don't know, he thought. What I cannot give Merlin, though it is his right. What Merlin will deny for me. How Merlin holds on for me. How he gives me so much and I can never give him anything in return.
He hugged her back anyway.
"I don't know, Gwen, why they are so willing to leave us, and now, but..." he swallowed. "I would like to think we can still move on without them."
She choked back a sob and clutched onto him. "I don't want to move on from them, Arthur."
Leaning his head against hers, he whispered, "Me neither, Gwen. But it isn't our choice anymore. It's theirs, now, and they've made their choice. We just have to hold onto each other, now."
She started crying again, body-wrenching sobs, which Arthur felt from how close she was pressed to him, and he thought, I know the feeling.
~*~
It was much later, well past sunset and nearing midnight, when they were laying on the bed still holding each other, trying to pretend their closest friends weren't leaving them behind, when a guard opened the door, calling out, "Sire, it's-" His eyes widened when he saw them on the bed together, and looked away, as Gwen pushed herself away and Arthur rolled his eyes. It's not like they were indecent, or even doing anything. "Sire, Prince Madog has called all arms to the city - there is a beast of some kind ravaging the city."
Arthur frowned, as Gwen looked worried. "Thank you," he said in his most dismissive tone to the guard, who shot one last furtive glance at Gwen on the bed before bowing hastily, and rushing out, closing the door behind him.
"Another monster? Now?" he grumbled, but he belted on his sword and let Gwen help him with the chainmail and shoulder plates as she muttered,
"At least Merlin and Morgana are safe from the creature...right?"
"I'm not...sure..." The timing seemed suspicious, to say the least. "I hope so, for their sakes."
But Arthur knew better than to put his faith in hope. Almost always, it would lead to a broken heart.
His own heart right now was proof of that.
"Good luck," Gwen said, as she tightened the last strap.
"Thank you," he said, and headed down to help his brother with this beast. He could fall to pieces later when his people were safe again.
~*~
Arthur had to stop and stare for just one moment when he saw the cornered monster - a giant cat-like creature with ferocious teeth and claws and wings of all things - before he ran forward to join the men of his ranks.
He ran to Madog's side and held his sword aloft as the beast struck, lashing out at them before drawing back, striking again, drawing back. A truly cornered animal, and Arthur has been on enough hunts to know better than to think they've won - an animal of any kind, human or otherwise, became more and more vicious the more trapped it became.
He struck forward with every move he knew, working in tandem with Madog to direct the knights and keep the soldiers and guards on the offense.
"Where the hell did that thing come from?!" Arthur shouted at his brother.
"She-"
"She?!"
"Yes-"
And that was all, before they were back to fighting it.
~*~
Arthur stood there, what felt like hours later but was probably mere moments, watching as the beast flew away into the night.
"Spread out!" Madog shouted. "It headed for the lower town in the southwest corner!"
Arthur frowned. That was where...
His eyes widened. Madog had said she-
"Madog!" Arthur cried as he whirled around.
His brother grinned at him, feeling the high of victory still coursing through his veins. Arthur knew what that felt like, and normally, he would be grinning back.
"That was a good strike," Madog said. Arthur looked down at his sword, where the creature's blood was still on the blade from where he'd sunk it into its shoulder, towards its heart.
"Where did that thing come from?" he asked.
Madog sighed as he tossed Arthur a cloth to wipe down his sword with. "Remember Halig's bounty? We saw her running and had her cornered when she turned into that."
Madog shook his head and blithely went off after the others, but Arthur was staring after him in shock.
He slowly looked down to his blade yet again - still covered with Freya's blood.
No...
He'd hurt, maybe even killed, Merlin's new love. This wasn't...he couldn't...he hadn't known...
Why hadn't Merlin told him? He could have found a way to get Freya out of here without killing her.
Did he want to? Maybe, maybe, maybe-
-even if she was dead, Merlin had made it perfectly clear he had no intention of staying.
Arthur swallowed around the lump in his throat and kneeled for one moment to rest his sword on the ground while he quickly wiped it off before he would rejoin fray of finding the beast's body. Freya's body. Freya's blood.
Where would Merlin go now? Ealdor? Would Morgana go with him? Arthur could see that. Morgana had liked Ealdor, and Merlin would probably love to be home, even if Will was dead (because of Arthur), and they would have wide open fields and nearby forests in which to practice magic together. They could be happy.
They could be happy without Gwen and Arthur.
He stood up, shoved the cloth at another knight with a bloody sword, and went after his brother.
At the very least, Merlin and Morgana might still be out there. Arthur could help them, even if he had killed Freya.
It was the only thing he could do, now.
~*~
Freya finally died in the morning from the lethal blow she received. Morgana had dressed her in an old feast gown of hers beforehand, and after Freya had closed her eyes and stopped breathing, Merlin conjured a boat and gathered the appropriate laurels and leaves, and not-so-appropriate flowers that Merlin knew Freya would have loved anyway. Throughout the day, both of them needed to stop several times to break down crying, the other one there to comfort them.
"She was so sweet," Morgana had murmured, as she carefully arranged Freya's dressed around her. "I don't know how anyone could go through everything she had and still be so sweet."
After spending the whole week making sure to stay with Freya in shifts, if not all three of them together, sharing their magic and memories and laughs and-
Even if they had only known her for a week, it was still a loss Merlin knew he and Morgana both would be feeling for the rest of their lives.
Merlin wanted to set the flames in day, but Morgana insisted they wait until sunset. "It's tradition," she said, voice thick with tears she had yet to shed. "Everyone else may be willing to forget, but I am not."
"She..." Merlin stopped. "She would have liked that."
"The mountain is beautiful in sunset," Morgana said, looking towards the snowcapped peaks in the distance.
"And the lake..." Merlin said. He thought about it and smiled. "She would have loved it."
"She would have loved living here..." Morgana looked around herself. "Do you think we could make a livelihood here? Away from Camelot, all the danger and the fear and...and the hatred?"
Merlin sighed. "You might have been willing to leave, Morgana, but...I can't leave Arthur."
"I know," she said, voice slightly terse. This was an argument they would never be able to settle. "Just - imagine. If you didn't have this duty or destiny or love getting in the way...?"
"Then I wouldn't be me," Merlin said surely. He looked down at Freya's body, the boat between him and Morgana as they waited for sunset. "If Freya were alive, I would have loved to come here often to see her. We both would have. And maybe in a distant future, when there was peace, I could come here to live for short whiles, to get away...but I could never stay with her forever - I can't leave Arthur, Morgana. I don't know what we would do without each other."
"You two were just fine before you crossed paths," Morgana said.
"No," Merlin said, smiling sadly. "We weren't - we just didn't know it."
Morgana looked at him carefully as the sun reached for the horizon behind her. There was silence around them, no calling of animals or rustling of leaves in the wind - only the gentle lapping of the lake waves against the earthen shore.
"If you weren't fine...I think I'm still not..." she bit her lip for the briefest of moments before turning and facing down to fiddle with the hipstring of her breeches, twisting the hem of her cloak between her fingers. "I never had interest in those bard's tales of love and soul mates or...I always believed it was frivolous and pointless and I always requested they tell me the same stories they told Arthur, no matter my femininity - love stories bored me. But...do you think everyone has a soul mate? That someone is out there for me - just for me?"
Merlin sighed.
"I'm not sure I believe in soul mates or destiny or..." Merlin trailed off, trying to think, then started again. "Arthur and I - we aren't destined for each other because the overgrown lizard said so or some old prophets said so or even because fate said so - the dragon's manipulative, prophets aren't always right, and Fate can be cruel and is best ignored...Arthur and I are each other's destiny because we made it so, because we want to be each other's destiny. Because we chose each other." He looked Morgana in the eye. "You'll find someone, Morgana. You will change for them and they for you."
"I feel, sometimes, that I'm meant to be alone, while everyone else around me is not," she admitted.
"No one's meant to be alone," Merlin said. "Some just have to wait a little longer than others."
"Freya had to wait her whole life," Morgana said, reaching over to fix Freya's hair, tuck away a stray strand.
"But she had her family, before they died. And in the end, she had us. If she had lived, she would have found someone just for her."
Morgana looked thoughtfully at Freya. "That's what I fear, Merlin - that I will wait and wait and wait and die before I find someone."
"You'll find someone," Merlin said surely. "Maybe not where or how you expect, but someone out there will live for you, and you will live for someone."
Morgana smiled sadly. "As much as I still see love as a chain...it's the only one I would be happy to wear."
Merlin looked out onto the lake. "I always think...most of the time, I hate Uther, for what he does to Arthur and to magic users. But...whenever I think of someone hurting Arthur...I can see why Uther does it."
"You can't possibly be saying you agree with him?!" Morgana cried out in sudden outrage. "His vile laws-"
"I'm not saying I agree with him," Merlin cut in with a firm voice and a soft sigh. "I'm just saying - all I can think of at the thought of someone hurting Arthur is grief and rage. I can...I can understand the feeling of wanting to hurt, hurt someone or something or just be hurt or...I can get that feeling." Merlin paused. "Whatever his faults, he does love his sons - even if he mistreats him - and he did love Queen Ygraine."
"That doesn't justify his tyranny and brutality," she said coldly.
Merlin sighed. "I know it doesn't, but - let's not argue about this, not now - for Freya."
Morgana's face softened, and she nodded. "She believed in the power of love, didn't she?"
Merlin smiled sadly. "That's probably how she managed to 'stay so sweet' all this time."
Morgana returned the sad smile. "That sounds about right."
The rest of their vigil was spent in silence.
At sunset, hey pushed the boat out onto the lake, and stood side by side as they raised their hands to their friend's body, and in unison, whispered, "Baerne."
Merlin could hear the crackle of the flames as the fire slowly worked its way through the flowers and leaves, some of them floating up on the smoke and flitting around the boat like butterflies. The flames worked their way through her flesh and bones, and Merlin and Morgana clung to each other as they watched the boat and listened to their friend disappear.
They stood vigil until nearly midnight, when the last ashen remnants of the boat sunk down into the lake, taking Freya with it, leaving only some leaves and flowers floating on the top to show where she had been.
The two sorcerers were silent the whole way home.
~*~
Gaius had been waiting up for them, arms open to give them both a hug when they stopped by his chambers that night. He gave them both calming droughts to help bring peace to their sleep that night, and sent them both off towards the royal chambers.
Merlin silently slipped into Arthur's chambers, tugging out his sleep clothes from the back of Arthur's wardrobe and changing into them, before perching on the edge of the bed, watching Arthur in the moonlight.
Arthur was splayed out across the bed on his stomach, on arm wrapped snugly around a pillow in Merlin's place. His soft snores filled the room, or at least Merlin's ears, as he slowed his breathing to match Arthur's. In the dim moonlight, Arthur's skin was smooth and flawless save for the scars of battle Merlin could see poking out through the gap in Arthur's sleepshirt. His hair was in all directions already from rolling around in his sleep, and Merlin reached over to smooth it out, stroking Arthur's face all the while.
He remembered the day before, and wondered how Arthur could ever truly believe that Merlin would leave him, would ever want leave him. But he knew how, knew why. Arthur was too used to being the second choice, second best, and it broke Merlin's heart that Arthur still expected that from him. Arthur would always be his first everything, and Merlin hoped one day the prince would realize that.
He bent over to gently kiss Arthur on the forehead while he was still asleep, then set to replacing the side pillow with himself.
Unsurprisingly, Arthur woke up.
He blinked blearily through the darkness as Merlin slipped himself into Arthur's arms, curling up against the prince.
"Merlin?" Arthur asked in confusion.
Merlin smiled up at him sadly in the darkness and nodded. It seemed to make Arthur alert as he turned onto his side to face Merlin fully, retracting his arm from where it had been wrapped around him. Merlin missed the warmth already.
"What are you doing here?" Arthur asked, frowning in confusion. "I thought...why are you still in Camelot?"
Merlin had to shut his eyes at that.
"Arthur - I was never going to truly leave," Merlin said. He opened his eyes to see hurt and surprise on Arthur's face. "Morgana and I - we were going to take her somewhere safe, help her settle down...but we were going to come back, Arthur. We weren't going to leave you here."
Arthur nodded, unsure and confused, but he wrapped his arms around Merlin anyway.
Merlin buried his face into Arthur's neck, clutching onto his shoulder as the tears he had held in till now started to spill.
For how long, Merlin didn't know, but he knew it was a long time in which Arthur simply held him as Merlin cried and cried and cried over the unfairness of it all and Arthur held him close, comforting, and Merlin curled in deeper, deep as he could into Arthur, because he needed to be in someone other than himself right now.
Eventually, the shaking subsided and the tears trailed off, and Merlin rested tiredly in Arthur's arms. It was then that Arthur pulled back enough to look at Merlin and spoke.
"I'm sorry, Merlin, for...killing...I'm so sorry."
Merlin shook his head. "Her...her fate was sealed the moment she was cursed, Arthur." He paused. "At least she she was killed for a...in a noble way - her death protected others. At least it was that."
"Small comfort," Arthur said, derisive of himself.
Merlin reached out to wrap his hand in Arthur's hair. "When you have no comforts in your heart at all, even the small ones matter."
Arthur looked pained when Merlin said that, and pulled him close again.
They weren't fine. They weren't healed. Arthur was still to sore in his soul and Merlin still to raw in his heart, and tomorrow they would both have to pretend other wise.
But for now, they had each other, wrapped in their arms and their warmth, and for tonight, that would have to be enough.
~*~
Remember, Comments are ♥!
~*~
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Master Post
Summary: Merlin is happy to dedicate his life and soul to Arthur when he comes to Camelot, even though he knows the dragon is wrong, and Arthur will never be king. How can he be, when he is the second son?
Rating: R
Word Count: 5900
Pairings/Character: Arthur/Merlin, OMC
Warnings/Content: mentions of violence, character death, posted in a sleep-deprived state
Beta: none
Notes: Posting to fill in the weekend as I'm not updating another fic of mine this week.
<< Previous Chapter
Primogeniture, Chapter 09: Small Comforts
Arthur looked up from his desk with a smile when Merlin came in, which fell when he noticed Merlin's shaken appearance.
"Merlin?" he asked.
"Hm?" his head snapped up from where he had been focusing an inordinate amount of concentration on Arthur's lunch platter.
Pushing himself up from the desk, Arthur gestured for Merlin to set down the plate, and once he did, he pulled Merlin close, wrapping his arms around Merlin.
"What's wrong?" he asked softly.
"...you know that bounty hunter? Halig?"
Arthur nodded, already knowing where this was going.
"I saw his...his...I saw the Druid girl. She's terrified, Arthur, she's so damn scared, and she's being locked in a cage and being treated like an animal and...and..."
It was rare Arthur found himself comforting Merlin - it was normally the other way around - but he pulled Merlin close as he started crying, and pressed his lips against Merlin's temples. "I'll see what I can do."
They had only just sat down for lunch, however, when Morgana barged in, eyes looking almost crazed as she strode towards them - towards Merlin - and Gwen closed the door behind her.
"We're going to rescue her," Morgana said without preamble, firm stubbornness in her voice as she grasped Merlin's hands in her own.
She didn't need any words. Merlin's jaw was set, determined, and Arthur shared a look with Guinevere.
They both knew that there was no persuading Merlin and Morgana away from this - and they all knew this would be incredibly dangerous.
He hoped they would know what they were doing.
Morgana and Merlin had that slightly dazed look which Arthur knew meant they were talking in each other's minds, and he wondered whether it was plans or reassurances that passed between them. Maybe both.
Arthur had seen the Druid girl himself, glimpsed her briefly when the bounty hunter brought her in.
All he could think was that one day, that could be Morgana, or Merlin.
Arthur had wanted to come to help the Druid girl, but Merlin and Morgana both protested vehemently.
"She's already seen you, she already knows you're a knight and a prince," Morgana said.
"So?" Arthur asked.
"This is Camelot, and she's magic," Merlin said. "Short of Madog and Uther, you're the person she'll be the most terrified of in his entire kingdom."
There had been silence in his chambers after, as Merlin's eyes widened in a regretful way, and despite Gwen's warm hand on his shoulder, Arthur asked of them, "Is that how you feel about me?"
"No, obviously," Merlin said, pointing to where Arthur's armor was cleaning itself.
"No, I mean..." He paused, then looked for Morgana for an answer on this one. "Before you told me."
"Yes," she said honestly, face blank but firm. "The Pendragon family is the most hated and feared by those of magic. As far as everyone else in concerned, you kill those with magic."
Arthur shut his eyes. He knew the danger all of them were in thanks to their magic, and he knew what others thought of him - but to hear Merlin and Morgana were once afraid of him - him, broken and un-frightening in the least - was like a knife to the heart. He loved his father and his brother, but to see them do this to the people he loved was almost ripping him apart.
One day, he would have to choose his loyalties. And the thought of that day ever coming terrified him.
~*~
He was probably supposed to go to sleep, but he couldn't, opting to pace back and forth around his rooms, instead. He spent hours like this, either trying futilely to sleep or haunting the floor of his chambers like a ghost, waiting for Merlin and Morgana and Gwen, ears out for the sounds of guards being called, of the warning bell ringing, of anything signifying their hurt, their failure, his failure to protect them.
He heard nothing.
Late into the night, he was sitting at his desk trying to at least be productive when Merlin slipped into the room.
"You should have slept," he admonished, shaking his head. "We're all fine, and the girl - her name is Freya - is fine, too. We're hiding her in the grainery tunnels under the city."
"What do you plan to do?"
"Wait a few days for all the fuss to die down once she's discovered missing, and then get her out of here, and to the Druids," Merlin said, tugging on Arthur's wrist and pulling him to the bed. "Did you really stay up all night?"
"Couldn't sleep," Arthur said as he climbed into bed, then pulled Merlin with him. "Too worried about you three. Gwen's the only competent one among you."
Merlin smiled, rolling his eyes, as he tucked himself into Arthur's chest, before frowning. "We brought her some food and bedding, but I still feel bad about us sleeping here and her sleeping down there. We almost had her stay with Gwen, but...Uther'll search everywhere, even Gwen's - maybe even especially Gwen's, after Morgana and the Druid boy."
Arthur nodded, his chin moving against Merlin's head, and pulled him close.
"She'll be fine," Arthur said. "You'll see."
~*~
Except sometimes, he underestimated Father's passionate hatred for magic. And even Madog's.
(It was in these moments Arthur felt the worst - who was he betraying more, Father and Madog for Merlin and Morgana's magic? Or Merlin, and Morgana, and even Gwen, for still living happily with his father and his brother, openly supporting them?
He was the worst kind of traitor, the one who had no place to stand on and turned his back on everyone, except Arthur kept trying to face them all, and soon he would be torn apart, shredded, facing no one and turning his back on no one, and maybe that wouldn't be so bad, after all.)
~*~
Arthur quickly saw far, far less of the two than he would have liked. Morgana and Merlin spent all their free time with the girl, Freya, leaving him and Gwen to fend for themselves.
"She needs someone," Merlin said, curled up against Arthur two nights after the break out. "Morgana and I have each other, but she has no one."
"Morgana and you have me and Gwen," he had said, trying his hardest not to snap.
"I mean someone who understands," Merlin said. "Someone who knows what it's like to have this...this...this darkness inside of you, this powerful force you know nothing about but that you still have to control...what it's like to wonder if you're a monster."
"You're not a monster," Arthur said immediately, pulling Merlin close. Merlin just laughed humorlessly, Arthur feeling each dark chuckle against his body with the movement of Merlin's chest.
"That's what I mean, Arthur," Merlin said. "It's hard to believe when coming from someone who doesn't have magic...who doesn't know the feeling of what it's like to not be a monster but know you're only one step away."
"Merlin, you're-"
"-later, Arthur," Merlin said, pressing a fleeting kiss to Arthur's collarbone. "Later."
Arthur frowned, but, sighing, he nodded, his chin moving against the top of Merlin's head.
"Good night, Merlin."
"Good night."
~*~
There was little Arthur could do to help the three sorcerers. Mostly, he did his best to keep the search parties away from the general area of where they said they'd hidden her. For several days, this was all he did, relegated to helping Halig search for his bounty while Father and Madog focused on matters of state.
Arthur was being left behind by Father and Madog, and by Merlin and Morgana. Even Gwen usually joined them to help Freya when she wasn't doing her own chores and covering for Merlin's.
It was only a few days and a bit pathetic at at that, but Arthur hated how much, and how quickly, the others were drifting away, how Merlin barely spoke to him or touched him at night...the look he saw in Merlin's eyes. It wasn't hard to piece together that Merlin felt something...something strong for the girl.
And then he heard his and Morgana's argument.
"We can leave Camelot, Merlin! We can be free of all this fear and hatred surrounding us!"
"And Arthur? And Gwen?"
"They will have each other until we can come back."
"Do you really want to leave them to Madog and Uther's mercies? It would be...I can't, Morgana, I won't leave him behind! It would butcher him for me to leave."
"And what about you? How much longer do you think you can last like this?"
Merlin never answered.
Arthur didn't miss the packed bag sitting quietly in the corner of Merlin's room. It even had his spellbook in it. He shakily pulled it out of Merlin's bag in Merlin's room, and started flicking his way through its pages. He'd seen it only once or twice since learning of Merlin's magic, and never looked inside its pages.
Page after page after page of powerful, immeasurable, illegal knowledge. Spells for drying clothes and washing floors were tucked in between spells for killing fairies and slaying magical beasts. Spells for healing a stab wound right next to ones for causing them. Spells for bringing life to a plant and spells for taking that life away. (Spells to do the same for people, for human beings). Amongst the writings of old and the words of generations before were Merlin's scribbles, making small notes here and there. How one spell affected another, complemented another, how to change a spell, for the better (for the worse)...
This was how Merlin found him later that afternoon.
~*~
"Arthur, I can..."
Arthur didn't look up from the spellbook in his lap as he sat on Merlin's bed. Merlin stood nervously in the doorway. Finally, he took a single step forward towards Arthur.
"You're going to leave me," Arthur said flatly, before shutting his eyes against the tears welling up in them. "You promised me, Merlin, you-! You-"
"I don't even know if I'm leaving at all," Merlin pleaded. "A-and even if I do - I'll come back. I won't leave you forever!"
"You promised you wouldn't leave me at all!" Arthur shouted, opening his eyes to turn his pain and anguish on Merlin. "What am I supposed to do without you, Merlin?! I can't - you promised damnit, you promised, you promised, you promised you promised you promisedyoupromised-"
Arthur didn't know how he had descended into such incoherent babbling in the space of a few words, but he did, curling in on himself and wrapping his arms around himself, shaking with the force of his suppressed sobs. He moved only to jerk violently away when he felt a soft touch on his shoulder.
He turned to glare at Merlin, who, hurt, back away, hands up placatingly.
"Get away from me!" he snapped, throwing the book down on the bed and standing in fury, fast enough to make Merlin jump back several steps. "Don't ever touch me again!"
"Arthur, no!" Merlin cried out in shock. "Please, I - I won't leave, all right? I won't-"
"Why bother staying," he sneered, gesturing toward the pack. "When you clearly don't want to?"
"I do," Merlin said. "I-"
"You were going to leave me!" Arthur shouted.
"Only to help Freya, then I would be right back-"
"Right back?!" he shouted hysterically, pointing towards all of Merlin's clothes and precious belongings in the pack, his spellbook, everything. "That's not 'right back', Merlin, that's 'maybe I'll come back someday'. That's 'maybe I'll never come back at all'! Don't you dare lie to me now, Merlin!"
"When have I ever-"
"You spent the entire first year we knew each other lying to me," Arthur hissed, narrowing his eyes. "It's barely been three seasons that you have shared the truth with me."
"Arthur..." Merlin said, shaking his head. "Please, I - I never meant to leave permanently. I packed everything because we've been getting so close to being discovered, I - I needed to be able to grab it and run if we were discovered. I don't want to leave you, Arthur. And I never will, not truly, no more than when you leave Camelot to go on a long patrol or when Morgana leaves for her father's grave or, or - do you really think I would truly abandon you now, Arthur?!" Merlin asked.
"...for Freya?" Arthur said quietly, turning to look again to the bag. "For another girl like you, who understands 'this monster' inside you?" He turned to Merlin. "I've seen the look in your eyes when you talk about her, Merlin - you feel strongly for her."
Merlin swallowed and opened and closed his mouth several times, before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes. I do."
Arthur shut his eyes as the tears built up again. He knew it, he would always be second best, always, he would never be-
"But not nearly as much as what I feel for you."
He opened his eyes and turned to Merlin.
"...do you..." Do you mean it? But that was the bind - he wouldn't be able to trust what Merlin said, not any more.
Instead, he shook his head.
"Just...go. Enjoy your life with Freya," he snapped.
"Arthur-" Merlin grabbed his shoulder, trying to pull him back.
But Arthur had been trained to kill from birth, and as such Merlin was gasping a moment later as he found himself pressed up against the wall, arm being twisted up his back by a furious and tortured Arthur.
"Don't. Touch. Me," he said, before letting go, and practically running out of the physician's chambers, and only barely managing to make it back to his room fast enough without running into anyone.
Once there, Arthur collapsed into his bed, body tense and heart shattered.
Merlin promised.
~*~
Arthur didn't know how, but somehow he managed to collect himself enough to attend the council meetings during the day, and later, to work with Halig to capture 'the Druid girl'.
He eyed the spot on the map of the citadel where he knew she was hidden. His hand hovered above it as he planned the patrol routes for her to be found. His finger was ready to press down there, condemn her, to-
He pointed to a spot nearby, which would keep the soldiers away from her while giving the appearance of a good scouring through the area.
Arthur wasn't going to be able to keep Merlin, anyway. He might as well let Merlin have his happy ending.
~*~
"Arthur!"
Arthur's head snapped up when he heard the door to his chambers opening, and a moment later, Gwen rushed in, eyes red, door slamming shut behind her as she ran into his arms.
"Gwen," he pleaded, taking in her distressed countenance, puffy red eyes, the hints of wet and salt still on her cheeks. "What's wrong?"
"It's Morgana," she gasped, clutching onto his arms. "She's leaving with Freya!"
Arthur felt his heart shut down. Everyone was leaving him.
"So she's leaving too?" he asked.
Gwen frowned. "'Too'?" she asked, confused, before suddenly her eyes widened in horrified shock. "Merlin- Merlin is leaving as well?"
Arthur sighed and nodded. Gwen cried out in grief and launched herself against Arthur, who wrapped his arms around her and held her as she cried for the loss of their friends.
It was oddly nice, to hold her like this. Despite the tears soaking through his shoulder and despite the the weariness in his muscles from training, it was oddly comforting to comfort someone else.
He wondered if that was the real reason why Merlin stuck around with him for so long.
Then he stopped thinking about Merlin, and instead, he rested his chin on Gwen's head and focused on comforting her. He held her, rubbing her back and stroking her arms until she finally calmed down and cried her eyes dry. When she seemed to have calmed down enough, he gently led her over to the bed, sitting her down, before pouring and handing her a goblet of water.
"Thank you," she said, taking a sip, before shaking her head and suddenly setting it aside, standing and saying, "No, this is- I'm a maidservant, I'm-"
"-A friend," Arthur said for her, gently pushing down on her shoulders so she sat down again, and placing the cup back in her hands. She smiled up at him gratefully and drained half the goblet, before sitting there and holding it, staring down into it as if it would hold all the answers she sought from the world.
(It didn't. Arthur knew - he has tried many, many times to seek answers from the depths of a goblet. He never got them.)
"I don't understand," she said, finally. "Why are they leaving us? Why - why are they leaving us behind? I know Camelot is dangerous but...oh, I know why they want to leave, but...they have stayed so long, and- and- why now?" She looked pleadingly towards Arthur. "Why are they leaving us behind when they had been willing to stay with us for so long before?"
Arthur sighed. "I don't...I wish I knew Gwen, I really did, but I don't know." He swallowed. "I know they were in constant danger, but...they seemed happy despite that. I never knew how much they...how much they truly feared..." He shook his head. "I don't know...I thought it was just that I wasn't good enough for them anymore, but if they're leaving you too-"
"Oh, Arthur," Gwen said, setting down the cup and standing up to him him. Arthur leaned into her embrace. "You're always good enough for all of us and more. That can't be it. That has nothing to do with it, I'm sure of it. I know them and I know you well enough enough - this isn't it."
But you don't know, he thought. What I cannot give Merlin, though it is his right. What Merlin will deny for me. How Merlin holds on for me. How he gives me so much and I can never give him anything in return.
He hugged her back anyway.
"I don't know, Gwen, why they are so willing to leave us, and now, but..." he swallowed. "I would like to think we can still move on without them."
She choked back a sob and clutched onto him. "I don't want to move on from them, Arthur."
Leaning his head against hers, he whispered, "Me neither, Gwen. But it isn't our choice anymore. It's theirs, now, and they've made their choice. We just have to hold onto each other, now."
She started crying again, body-wrenching sobs, which Arthur felt from how close she was pressed to him, and he thought, I know the feeling.
~*~
It was much later, well past sunset and nearing midnight, when they were laying on the bed still holding each other, trying to pretend their closest friends weren't leaving them behind, when a guard opened the door, calling out, "Sire, it's-" His eyes widened when he saw them on the bed together, and looked away, as Gwen pushed herself away and Arthur rolled his eyes. It's not like they were indecent, or even doing anything. "Sire, Prince Madog has called all arms to the city - there is a beast of some kind ravaging the city."
Arthur frowned, as Gwen looked worried. "Thank you," he said in his most dismissive tone to the guard, who shot one last furtive glance at Gwen on the bed before bowing hastily, and rushing out, closing the door behind him.
"Another monster? Now?" he grumbled, but he belted on his sword and let Gwen help him with the chainmail and shoulder plates as she muttered,
"At least Merlin and Morgana are safe from the creature...right?"
"I'm not...sure..." The timing seemed suspicious, to say the least. "I hope so, for their sakes."
But Arthur knew better than to put his faith in hope. Almost always, it would lead to a broken heart.
His own heart right now was proof of that.
"Good luck," Gwen said, as she tightened the last strap.
"Thank you," he said, and headed down to help his brother with this beast. He could fall to pieces later when his people were safe again.
~*~
Arthur had to stop and stare for just one moment when he saw the cornered monster - a giant cat-like creature with ferocious teeth and claws and wings of all things - before he ran forward to join the men of his ranks.
He ran to Madog's side and held his sword aloft as the beast struck, lashing out at them before drawing back, striking again, drawing back. A truly cornered animal, and Arthur has been on enough hunts to know better than to think they've won - an animal of any kind, human or otherwise, became more and more vicious the more trapped it became.
He struck forward with every move he knew, working in tandem with Madog to direct the knights and keep the soldiers and guards on the offense.
"Where the hell did that thing come from?!" Arthur shouted at his brother.
"She-"
"She?!"
"Yes-"
And that was all, before they were back to fighting it.
~*~
Arthur stood there, what felt like hours later but was probably mere moments, watching as the beast flew away into the night.
"Spread out!" Madog shouted. "It headed for the lower town in the southwest corner!"
Arthur frowned. That was where...
His eyes widened. Madog had said she-
"Madog!" Arthur cried as he whirled around.
His brother grinned at him, feeling the high of victory still coursing through his veins. Arthur knew what that felt like, and normally, he would be grinning back.
"That was a good strike," Madog said. Arthur looked down at his sword, where the creature's blood was still on the blade from where he'd sunk it into its shoulder, towards its heart.
"Where did that thing come from?" he asked.
Madog sighed as he tossed Arthur a cloth to wipe down his sword with. "Remember Halig's bounty? We saw her running and had her cornered when she turned into that."
Madog shook his head and blithely went off after the others, but Arthur was staring after him in shock.
He slowly looked down to his blade yet again - still covered with Freya's blood.
No...
He'd hurt, maybe even killed, Merlin's new love. This wasn't...he couldn't...he hadn't known...
Why hadn't Merlin told him? He could have found a way to get Freya out of here without killing her.
Did he want to? Maybe, maybe, maybe-
-even if she was dead, Merlin had made it perfectly clear he had no intention of staying.
Arthur swallowed around the lump in his throat and kneeled for one moment to rest his sword on the ground while he quickly wiped it off before he would rejoin fray of finding the beast's body. Freya's body. Freya's blood.
Where would Merlin go now? Ealdor? Would Morgana go with him? Arthur could see that. Morgana had liked Ealdor, and Merlin would probably love to be home, even if Will was dead (because of Arthur), and they would have wide open fields and nearby forests in which to practice magic together. They could be happy.
They could be happy without Gwen and Arthur.
He stood up, shoved the cloth at another knight with a bloody sword, and went after his brother.
At the very least, Merlin and Morgana might still be out there. Arthur could help them, even if he had killed Freya.
It was the only thing he could do, now.
~*~
Freya finally died in the morning from the lethal blow she received. Morgana had dressed her in an old feast gown of hers beforehand, and after Freya had closed her eyes and stopped breathing, Merlin conjured a boat and gathered the appropriate laurels and leaves, and not-so-appropriate flowers that Merlin knew Freya would have loved anyway. Throughout the day, both of them needed to stop several times to break down crying, the other one there to comfort them.
"She was so sweet," Morgana had murmured, as she carefully arranged Freya's dressed around her. "I don't know how anyone could go through everything she had and still be so sweet."
After spending the whole week making sure to stay with Freya in shifts, if not all three of them together, sharing their magic and memories and laughs and-
Even if they had only known her for a week, it was still a loss Merlin knew he and Morgana both would be feeling for the rest of their lives.
Merlin wanted to set the flames in day, but Morgana insisted they wait until sunset. "It's tradition," she said, voice thick with tears she had yet to shed. "Everyone else may be willing to forget, but I am not."
"She..." Merlin stopped. "She would have liked that."
"The mountain is beautiful in sunset," Morgana said, looking towards the snowcapped peaks in the distance.
"And the lake..." Merlin said. He thought about it and smiled. "She would have loved it."
"She would have loved living here..." Morgana looked around herself. "Do you think we could make a livelihood here? Away from Camelot, all the danger and the fear and...and the hatred?"
Merlin sighed. "You might have been willing to leave, Morgana, but...I can't leave Arthur."
"I know," she said, voice slightly terse. This was an argument they would never be able to settle. "Just - imagine. If you didn't have this duty or destiny or love getting in the way...?"
"Then I wouldn't be me," Merlin said surely. He looked down at Freya's body, the boat between him and Morgana as they waited for sunset. "If Freya were alive, I would have loved to come here often to see her. We both would have. And maybe in a distant future, when there was peace, I could come here to live for short whiles, to get away...but I could never stay with her forever - I can't leave Arthur, Morgana. I don't know what we would do without each other."
"You two were just fine before you crossed paths," Morgana said.
"No," Merlin said, smiling sadly. "We weren't - we just didn't know it."
Morgana looked at him carefully as the sun reached for the horizon behind her. There was silence around them, no calling of animals or rustling of leaves in the wind - only the gentle lapping of the lake waves against the earthen shore.
"If you weren't fine...I think I'm still not..." she bit her lip for the briefest of moments before turning and facing down to fiddle with the hipstring of her breeches, twisting the hem of her cloak between her fingers. "I never had interest in those bard's tales of love and soul mates or...I always believed it was frivolous and pointless and I always requested they tell me the same stories they told Arthur, no matter my femininity - love stories bored me. But...do you think everyone has a soul mate? That someone is out there for me - just for me?"
Merlin sighed.
"I'm not sure I believe in soul mates or destiny or..." Merlin trailed off, trying to think, then started again. "Arthur and I - we aren't destined for each other because the overgrown lizard said so or some old prophets said so or even because fate said so - the dragon's manipulative, prophets aren't always right, and Fate can be cruel and is best ignored...Arthur and I are each other's destiny because we made it so, because we want to be each other's destiny. Because we chose each other." He looked Morgana in the eye. "You'll find someone, Morgana. You will change for them and they for you."
"I feel, sometimes, that I'm meant to be alone, while everyone else around me is not," she admitted.
"No one's meant to be alone," Merlin said. "Some just have to wait a little longer than others."
"Freya had to wait her whole life," Morgana said, reaching over to fix Freya's hair, tuck away a stray strand.
"But she had her family, before they died. And in the end, she had us. If she had lived, she would have found someone just for her."
Morgana looked thoughtfully at Freya. "That's what I fear, Merlin - that I will wait and wait and wait and die before I find someone."
"You'll find someone," Merlin said surely. "Maybe not where or how you expect, but someone out there will live for you, and you will live for someone."
Morgana smiled sadly. "As much as I still see love as a chain...it's the only one I would be happy to wear."
Merlin looked out onto the lake. "I always think...most of the time, I hate Uther, for what he does to Arthur and to magic users. But...whenever I think of someone hurting Arthur...I can see why Uther does it."
"You can't possibly be saying you agree with him?!" Morgana cried out in sudden outrage. "His vile laws-"
"I'm not saying I agree with him," Merlin cut in with a firm voice and a soft sigh. "I'm just saying - all I can think of at the thought of someone hurting Arthur is grief and rage. I can...I can understand the feeling of wanting to hurt, hurt someone or something or just be hurt or...I can get that feeling." Merlin paused. "Whatever his faults, he does love his sons - even if he mistreats him - and he did love Queen Ygraine."
"That doesn't justify his tyranny and brutality," she said coldly.
Merlin sighed. "I know it doesn't, but - let's not argue about this, not now - for Freya."
Morgana's face softened, and she nodded. "She believed in the power of love, didn't she?"
Merlin smiled sadly. "That's probably how she managed to 'stay so sweet' all this time."
Morgana returned the sad smile. "That sounds about right."
The rest of their vigil was spent in silence.
At sunset, hey pushed the boat out onto the lake, and stood side by side as they raised their hands to their friend's body, and in unison, whispered, "Baerne."
Merlin could hear the crackle of the flames as the fire slowly worked its way through the flowers and leaves, some of them floating up on the smoke and flitting around the boat like butterflies. The flames worked their way through her flesh and bones, and Merlin and Morgana clung to each other as they watched the boat and listened to their friend disappear.
They stood vigil until nearly midnight, when the last ashen remnants of the boat sunk down into the lake, taking Freya with it, leaving only some leaves and flowers floating on the top to show where she had been.
The two sorcerers were silent the whole way home.
~*~
Gaius had been waiting up for them, arms open to give them both a hug when they stopped by his chambers that night. He gave them both calming droughts to help bring peace to their sleep that night, and sent them both off towards the royal chambers.
Merlin silently slipped into Arthur's chambers, tugging out his sleep clothes from the back of Arthur's wardrobe and changing into them, before perching on the edge of the bed, watching Arthur in the moonlight.
Arthur was splayed out across the bed on his stomach, on arm wrapped snugly around a pillow in Merlin's place. His soft snores filled the room, or at least Merlin's ears, as he slowed his breathing to match Arthur's. In the dim moonlight, Arthur's skin was smooth and flawless save for the scars of battle Merlin could see poking out through the gap in Arthur's sleepshirt. His hair was in all directions already from rolling around in his sleep, and Merlin reached over to smooth it out, stroking Arthur's face all the while.
He remembered the day before, and wondered how Arthur could ever truly believe that Merlin would leave him, would ever want leave him. But he knew how, knew why. Arthur was too used to being the second choice, second best, and it broke Merlin's heart that Arthur still expected that from him. Arthur would always be his first everything, and Merlin hoped one day the prince would realize that.
He bent over to gently kiss Arthur on the forehead while he was still asleep, then set to replacing the side pillow with himself.
Unsurprisingly, Arthur woke up.
He blinked blearily through the darkness as Merlin slipped himself into Arthur's arms, curling up against the prince.
"Merlin?" Arthur asked in confusion.
Merlin smiled up at him sadly in the darkness and nodded. It seemed to make Arthur alert as he turned onto his side to face Merlin fully, retracting his arm from where it had been wrapped around him. Merlin missed the warmth already.
"What are you doing here?" Arthur asked, frowning in confusion. "I thought...why are you still in Camelot?"
Merlin had to shut his eyes at that.
"Arthur - I was never going to truly leave," Merlin said. He opened his eyes to see hurt and surprise on Arthur's face. "Morgana and I - we were going to take her somewhere safe, help her settle down...but we were going to come back, Arthur. We weren't going to leave you here."
Arthur nodded, unsure and confused, but he wrapped his arms around Merlin anyway.
Merlin buried his face into Arthur's neck, clutching onto his shoulder as the tears he had held in till now started to spill.
For how long, Merlin didn't know, but he knew it was a long time in which Arthur simply held him as Merlin cried and cried and cried over the unfairness of it all and Arthur held him close, comforting, and Merlin curled in deeper, deep as he could into Arthur, because he needed to be in someone other than himself right now.
Eventually, the shaking subsided and the tears trailed off, and Merlin rested tiredly in Arthur's arms. It was then that Arthur pulled back enough to look at Merlin and spoke.
"I'm sorry, Merlin, for...killing...I'm so sorry."
Merlin shook his head. "Her...her fate was sealed the moment she was cursed, Arthur." He paused. "At least she she was killed for a...in a noble way - her death protected others. At least it was that."
"Small comfort," Arthur said, derisive of himself.
Merlin reached out to wrap his hand in Arthur's hair. "When you have no comforts in your heart at all, even the small ones matter."
Arthur looked pained when Merlin said that, and pulled him close again.
They weren't fine. They weren't healed. Arthur was still to sore in his soul and Merlin still to raw in his heart, and tomorrow they would both have to pretend other wise.
But for now, they had each other, wrapped in their arms and their warmth, and for tonight, that would have to be enough.
Remember, Comments are ♥!
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Master Post
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2011-02-27 10:30 am (UTC)Cat
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Date: 2011-03-04 05:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-27 01:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-04 05:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-27 01:55 pm (UTC)Such a sad chapter though. I used to like Freya, but in here if first blamed her for the hurt between the boys, but loved her again when they reunited in the end and turned out stronger than before (in my opinion)
Loved it!
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Date: 2011-03-05 01:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-27 08:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-05 02:04 am (UTC)fun >:)sad character write, and I'm glad you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it!no subject
Date: 2011-02-27 11:24 pm (UTC)You picture the emotions so well and I love the way you alternate the plot of the show.
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Date: 2011-03-05 02:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-01 12:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-05 02:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-01 02:00 pm (UTC)I can't wait for the next chapter (nasty pushy reader -.- sorry)
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Date: 2011-03-05 02:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-09 02:49 pm (UTC)Sounds like Arthur is one of those small comforts ......
It's really sad when Arthur and Gwen were comforting each other, because Gwen will leave at last as well.
So alike and so lonely, Pendragon father and sons.
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Date: 2011-05-22 09:12 am (UTC)There is certainly a history of broken hearts in the family. Thank you for commenting! ^_^
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Date: 2011-05-21 12:49 pm (UTC)Anyway, yeah, great story, and I can't wait for the next update :3 ♥
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Date: 2011-05-22 09:14 am (UTC)