Second Star To The Right, Straight On 'Til Morning

[nyxelestia]

Title: Second Star To The Right, Straight On 'Til Morning

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Modern!AU. Having little time left to live once the cancer wins, and in too much pain to do so, Merlin decides to end his life to get away from the pain. Arthur holds him in his last moments of life.

Pairing: Arthur/Merlin

Warnings: tear-jerker, euthanasia

Beta: None

Notes: Not much porn, but still from kinkme_merlin: Arthur/Merlin, Merlin has Cancer and only a small amount of time to live. In pain, he decides to end his life with an overdose of morphine. (You can get doctors to do thisin the UK, if the intention is to "free from pain" rather than "end life") With Arthur there the whole time, of course.

Also, a brief note on the terminology: euthanasia literally means ‘good death’, or the act of ending a life to end the pain.

~*~

Beep

"Arthur?"

Arthur head jerked up, and he winced before even opening his eyes, hand shooting up to rub at the crick in his neck that came from sleeping in the ridiculously uncomfortable hospital chair with his head on Merlin's bed.

Beep

He opened his eyes to see Merlin propped up on the electronic hospital bed, smiling down fondly at Arthur. He was gaunt, barely weighing seven stone after all the chemotherapy, eyes sunken in and hollow from the pain, hair thinned out, hands trembling as he reached over to clasp his hand in Arthur's just by his hip. But his smile was still as bright and dazzling as ever.

Beep

Arthur wrapped his hand around Merlin's bony one, feeling the dry, papery skin against his palm and giving a gentle squeeze, lending just this little bit of warmth to Merlin.

Beep

"It's morning, Arthur," Merlin said, simply

Beep

Arthur pursed his lips and nodded, swallowing past the lump in his throat as he said, "Not long, now, then?"

Merlin nodded tiredly.

Beep

"Doctor'll be here in a few minutes."

Beep

Arthur's eyes widened. "B-but...this is too...why didn't you wake me?"

Beep

"You...you looked like you needed the sleep. And you looked peaceful. I...I wanted that to be one of the last things I see - you," Merlin said, somewhat sheepish in tone. The blush was only slight, but it looked impossibly red on his pale, pale cheeks.

Arthur's breath hitched and his whole chest trembled, and Merlin smiled in understanding, squeezing Arthur's hand weakly.

Beep

Using his free hand to shakily reach over himself, Merlin patted the spot beside him on the bed. "Please...hold me while I...when she...hold me?"

Beep

Arthur nodded. "I'll have to move you-"

"I know," Merlin said, the look on his face saying he was already bracing himself against the onslaught.

Beep

It tore Arthur's heart to hear the whimpers Merlin couldn't hold back from the impossible pain, eyes screwed shut as Arthur moved him. But soon, very soon, Arthur was under the sheets beside Merlin, arms wrapped around him, the dark head resting against his shoulder, a surprising spot of warmth against the completely internal chill Arthur had been feeling ever since Merlin told him what he'd asked of the doctor.

Beep

He buried his face in the thin hair, which still smelt entirely of Merlin, and kissed his head as Merlin settled in, mumbling and purring slightly as he made himself as comfortable as he could, considering the constant agony that came with his impending death.

In that moment, Arthur felt a flash of self-hate as he realized that part of him wanted desperately to keep Merlin here for the remaining few months he had to live, despite the agony Merlin was in. It was selfish, he knew, but that didn't make him want that any less.

Beep

But it was also impossible to watch Merlin suffer so much.

Beep

The door to the private room opened, and Dr. Vivienne walked in and gave a soft smile at the sight of Arthur in the bed beside Merlin, but did no more as she came up to all the monitoring equipment by the bedside, fiddling and checking all the machines that counted down to the end of Merlin's life.

Beep

"How are you doing, Merlin? Arthur?" She asked, adjusting something to do with the IV.

Beep

"Same as always, Nimueh," Merlin mumbled, cheek still pressed against Arthur's chest. He didn't need to elaborate on what 'same as always' meant - they all knew too well. The screams still rang in Arthur's ears.

They always would.

Beep

"Well," she said, after a moment. "The authorizations are in place, paperwork in order. Your post-mortem legal formalities have been settled, and all the people you requested contacted. You're good to go."

It sounded like she was talking about discharging Merlin, or transferring him. Not...not...

Beep

Merlin just nodded, and Arthur felt his eyes blur wetly as he watched her cross over to the locked cabinet and open it with a key and a code. She pulled out a very large needle and the not-so-little jar of clear liquid - the morphine.

Beep

Closing and locking the cabinet again, she came back and set them on a tray by the bedside, and looked between them and said, "Shall I give you a moment?"

Beep

Merlin and Arthur both nodded, and she smiled sadly and left without another word.

Beep

For a few moments, Arthur and Merlin just lay there, Arthur desperately holding on to the little bit of Merlin he had left, and Merlin breathing softly into Arthur's collarbone, breaths warm damp and shallow.

Beep

"Are you okay?" Merlin asked, after a moment.

Beep

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" Arthur asked.

Beep

"I'm going to be dead, soon," Merlin offered bluntly. "You're the one who'll have to keep living."

And that was it - that broke Arthur right there.

Beep

His chest shook as a single sob was ripped out from his throat, a few lone tears trailing down his face as Arthur said, desperately, "I'm going to miss you...so much."

Beep

"I know," Merlin said, softly. "It's okay."

Beep

Arthur wondered why Merlin was the one comforting him. Arthur wasn't the one that was going to die.

Beep

But then...

You're the one who'll have to keep living.

...maybe that was the point.

Beep

"Wait for me, will you?" Arthur said into Merlin's hair. Merlin chuckled, slightly, the closest thing to a laugh he could manage without it ending in agonizing screaming.

Beep

"I'll save you a seat," Merlin promised. "But remember what I said - keep living, yeah? Even if that means moving on from me. I won't take it personally."

Beep

Arthur would.

Beep

"Kiss me?" Merlin asked, tilting his head up.

Beep

He did. Leaning in, he captured Merlin's thin lips in his own, and another tear slipped out as he kissed Merlin good-bye. Slow, familiar, comforting, and languid, it felt more like the lazy Sunday morning kisses they'd shared, once upon a time, than a kiss good-bye.

But then, maybe Merlin didn't intend for this to be a good-bye, after all.

Beep

They parted almost regretfully, Merlin unable to hold his head up any longer. Shutting his eyes, he rested his head back against Arthur's shoulder, mumbling in content.

Beep

Taking a deep, shaky breath, he pulled Merlin closer, and called out to the doorway, "Doctor Vivienne? We're ready."

Beep

She came back in, appropriately somber, and without further ado, sucked up all the morphine into the needle, and injected it straight into Merlin's IV bag.

Beep

"Sleep well," she offered to Merlin softly, before pulling the curtain around the work area, giving them privacy while still remaining present.

Beep

It would be a few minutes, and in it, Arthur wrapped one arm protectively around Merlin, and clasped the other hand in Merlin's, holding on for dear life.

Merlin's eyes fluttered open for one last time.

Beeeep

"I love you," he said.

Beeeep

"I love you, too," Arthur said, smiling.

Beeeeeep

Merlin closed his eyes with a smile and settled into Arthur's chest.

Beeeeeep

Arthur pressed his lips against Merlin's forehead, one last kiss which would never be a good-bye.

"Always," he promised.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-

Comments

[alexi-lupin.livejournal.com]

Having watched my mother die slowly from cancer, I think you really hit the nail on the head - the other have to keep on living.

Well done.

[nyxelestia.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry about your mother, but I'm glad you think I got it right. Thank you. :)

[imogenation-mai.livejournal.com]

The whole time I was reading this I was on the verge of tears D:
Beautifully done, though.

[nyxelestia.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you like it. And I did warn for tears. ;)

[macbyrne.livejournal.com]

That is absolutely goddamn heartbreaking!! I'm sitting here bawling so hard right now. What I love most is that Merlin gets to go with dignity. He's got Arthur beside him, and it's just a gentle slip into sleep.

Lovely and aching and I loved it.

[nyxelestia.livejournal.com]

Eh - the sappy part of me thinks that having someone you love right beside you is the best way to go. And *points* I did warn for tears. :D Glad you liked it!

[notragicmercury.livejournal.com]

This is the first time I've actually been moved to tears by fanfiction.

"You the one who'll have to keep living."

It's so true.

Thanks you for this.

[nyxelestia.livejournal.com]

First time? Wow. Thank you, though! And, you're welcome. :)

[myrimidryad.livejournal.com]

So broken and sad. :(

[nyxelestia.livejournal.com]

*points* Tear-jerker.

[lovers21spit.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I wonder why I read fics like this because it's like getting your own heart ripped out of your chest.

You did good, though :]

[nyxelestia.livejournal.com]

I sometimes wonder why I read this, too - and write! But, I'm glad to hear you liked it.

[ancaangie.livejournal.com]

That was so sad and heartbreaking :(

[nyxelestia.livejournal.com]

Hence why I wrote it. :)

[adeina-rhyddha.livejournal.com]

I never cry at anything I read. I never cry at films.
Right now I am sitting here crying my eyes out.
Srsly.
It was so well written and it made me cry and...and...and...yeah.
My granddad died from cancer and, more recently, my best friend's little sister, and I think that you really caught how it feels not to be able to do anything to help them.
But life goes on, even when those we love are no longer there to share it with us.

[nyxelestia.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to have made you cry. But I'm glad to hear you like it. :D

[ai-fantasy9.livejournal.com]

You know, having watched my grandmother die of gastric cancer recently, you definitely have the emotion and environment down pat.

Good job.

[nyxelestia.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

[dru_evilista]

.....

*bawls eyes out hysterically*

Oh my god, that ripped my heart out.

[nyxelestia.livejournal.com]

Um, sorry? I did warn that it was a tear-jerker!

[souzoukyuuketsu.livejournal.com]

This was atrociously beautiful.

[nyxelestia.livejournal.com]

Um...thank you?

[souzoukyuuketsu.livejournal.com]

Well don't worry... This was a compliment :p I meant it was beautiful, but so sad...

[icarusfallenx13.livejournal.com]

Very interesting job~ I like how you worked the situation. Just a I guess a pet peeve of mine: the beeps were pretty effective but I feel that the italics and the stretching the 'e's at the end were a bit obtrusive to a very, very private moment the the story.

But, really good writing :)

[nyxelestia.livejournal.com]

Eh - the beeps were meant to act as a countdown, and at the end, they were meant to show Merlin's death without actually stating it.

[dk323.livejournal.com]

Oh, this was absolutely heartbreaking! :( You did a lovely job with this fic. It was so emotional and so difficult to read because it was terribly heartwrenching. The emotion and just the feeling of loss was clearly felt as I read this. Poor Arthur - Merlin was right, Arthur would be the one who had to keep on living. That is a hard thing to do.

Nicely written - you handled the subject matter well. :)

[nyxelestia.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much. I'm glad Arthur's emotional state came across well - especially since this was written in about 20 minutes!

[vesperdivum.livejournal.com]

i meant to comment the first time i read this. but i absolutely could not do it. this had reduced me to a quivering puddle of tears. so very very very well done. the 'beeps' truly got to me, and the way it ended on that final unending one... chills. gave me chills. having lost both my grandmothers and a dear friend to cancer this was hard to read. but oh so very worth it. actually i may or may not be crying right now... wonderful job.

[nyxelestia.livejournal.com]

I seem to be making a lot of people cry. But I'm also glad that you liked the fic, and considering how much trouble it's caused me, I'm glad you also like the beeps. Thank you for commenting when you could. :D

[hellestump.livejournal.com]

This is the first place I have read fics from where people have the same....line of thought as me. When people die, the ones that die have "the easy part".

Don't get me wrong, it's horrible that they have to die, but still, as you write, us that's left behind to continue living? That is hard, and sometimes it seems as if it is unbearable.

Saying goodbye is never easy, and I hope it will never be easy.

The Beep's you have really pulled a cord in me, and that is what all good writers do: they move people with their words, and reading the other comments here, I know that I am not the only one you have more with this story.

[nyxelestia.livejournal.com]

It is a difficult concept to grasp sometimes, but yes, it is the people who die who have the easy way out. It's why suicide sometimes is referred to as 'the easy way out'. And yes, the people who stay behind bear the hardest burden.

Saying goodbye never is easy, and it never should be. If it ever does get easy, I fear for humanity.

The beeps were intended to act as a psychological countdown, and I am glad, as a writer, and sorry, as a person, to have achieved that affect. But I am glad you liked the story over all. :)

[laocoons.livejournal.com]

I don't know why I thought that I wouldn't cry with a warning for tear-jerker-ness... I really don't know. That was beautifully done. Had me fully in tears not too far in. :(

NOW TO GO READ HP6 TO CHEER UP BEFORE SLEEP, EH?

ahem. Sorry. Seriously though, incredibly well written. The 'beeps' separating each part really helped set the tone and setting and all.

[nyxelestia.livejournal.com]

Er, don't say I didn't warn you! And, um, if the 6th Harry Potter cheers you up, go for it! :) I'm glad you liked it, and thank you for commenting.